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Saturday, December 04, 2010

5Dec'2010
1.30pm

waiting for dearie to finish writing his NS report and send me to print out.
before i can meet him.....

hes booking in again today.
he just came out yesterday):

sometimes,
being a girl who doesnt need love that much,
or not so emotional,
or not so feeling....

might be a good thing.

its only the 3rd week.

as much as i try to ignore the fact that i miss my dearie,
i still do at the end of the day.

and when i sit down, and face the fact that i miss him,
i always tear.
):

im not trying to make it difficult for him.
but its just hard to hold up a strong front and act like im not upset,

when i really am.
):

dearie told me hes gonna book out only in another two weeks after he book in today.
because hes got another test and hes gonna get confined.
):

i never knew the feeling of tearing by just missing someone.
by just thinking of someone and whats gonna happen.

now i know.
now that i've experienced it.

its terrible.

but it also means,
hes that important to me.

dearie is this big big part of my life.
that i use to look forward to everyday of my life.

because all along i've been a girl who am just looking for my life partner.

everything else, is a want.
and not a need.

he said last night during dinner.
that maybe im destined to wait.

yeah.
maybe.

and with all the external factors that comes to be our obstacles.
its really hard.

i pray that there wont be any misunderstandings ever to come between us.
because i know if it does,

our relationship confirm will start to shake.
and we wont have time or support to keep our relationship intact if it gets bad.

i pray nothing bad happens.
because that would be the limit before everything blows me up again.
and i dun know how long it will take me to stand up once again.
)):

as i said im a person with extreme thinkings,
its either i treat seanie tan wei liang as my everything,
and take all these pain and torture emotionally,

but if he feels it and loves me more back,
maybe in the end,
its all worth it.

or that i have to live for myself.
and not just for him.

that would make me slowly grow to not need him anymore.
and i wouldnt yearn for him anymore.
it'll just be us together.

but of course, this method doesnt come easily.
i have to brainwash myself.

im sticking on with the first one.
because i dun wanna brainwash myself.
into thinking about bad points.
and demoralising myself.
in order to not face such torments.

so yeah.

ive made a wish for my birthday for two years now.
and they've been this.

i wanna be happy everyday.

i hope birthday wishes really do work.

Y9:19 PM