welcome to chewyan's world(:

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

24May'11
10:54pm

i really feel very lousy today back just now..
):

i find it so pathetic that i have to console myself whenever i feel sad.
still.

all i ever wanted is for someone who really cares alot about me,
who really thinks im very very impt,
and someone to be there for me.
someone who will let me hide in his arms willingly and lovingly when im scared,
or tired.
or when i feel lousy.

that was what ive always been asking for.

and its still the same.

maybe my beliefs do not really exist.
maybe i m meant to,
and cant deserve what the other girls have.

because im different and is unable to get the same,
behave the same,
treated the same.

Y7:37 AM

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

4May2011
5.55pm

this is one song that i've just heard today and has made me so touched i cried.
this is what i mean when i said it touches people's heart.
and i'll be waiting still.
till a love story that is to die for hold my hand and bring me in. (:

thank you shane filan. (:

Y2:46 AM

4May2011
5.08pm

hey people. (:
its been awhile now.

and now i've made one move to stop myself from feeling cramped and upset,
i quitted my last job which made me felt like getting out of it is my last wish.
(:

and now im seeking a new job.
a job that i hope is not related to accounts.
i think i got a pretty bad scare from my previous job.
the pressure it acts on me is that strong that i think i am really not suitable for it.

and so the next question is.
what job should i get?

i've been trying to get some customer service related jobs through the internet,
but because i have constraints from all sectors,
its pretty hard to get a job that can satisfy at least most of them.

theres the constraint of a minimum pay i should get,
cause im a single child and my parents are getting on old.
and theres the constraint of getting a job that is weekend off,
because thats the only time i have with my boyfriend.

theres further constraints that i dont wish to work shifts in time.
because that would mean it will rotate every week or month,
and i wouldnt be able to pick up lessons of interests i have in.

ive been thinking i wanna get lessons on dancing,
singing,
piano,
languages.

all the general things that im interested in.

but all these wouldnt be able to come true until i get a job and has a pay that can afford these lessons.

ive been thinking,
i really wanna break through this.
this wall that ive grown up in.
this specific cycle of things i have to do.
this specific rules and regulations i need to follow.

which apparently i dun really like em.

all these has been set,
in the society.
and by my environment and situation.

its a fact that i have to earn money to feed my family and myself.
its a fact that i cannot go on without a job now.
its a fact that in order to break free, i need to find out how.

i want to break out from this current situation.
i dont want to grow old and die living in JUST this cycle.
the cycle of just working every single day,
and buying things that the house need, or i want,
paying off the bills,
eating,
occasional meetups with friends,
and still working to feed the family after marriage,
and work somemore for the kids' food and studies.

i want something extraordinary.
i want my life to have some meaning.
some adventure.
some love story that i can die for.

ive always liked singing.
and i really wished i could have a stage to sing for people,
and in turn make them touched.
just like my favourite male singer,

shane filan from westlife.

his voice moved me and their songs,
made me believed in things,
like i should still wait till the day i meet love.

their songs and his voice kept me going when i felt that i didnt have any hope for this life of mine.
i still do sometimes.

theres many things that i wanna do.
theres many things i want to get.
but i dont know where to start.
i dont know if its really gonna work.
i dont know if its really gonna happen.

yes i want to be a singer,
but there are much more people out there who just wishes the same as me.
i dont have a very hot figure.
which i will really have to work it out (thats one thing i wanna do)

and plus,
i dont know where to start to make my way through to acknowledgement.
to achieving that place on stage,
and really letting people like my songs and find belonging in my voice.

so when i come back to reality,
i have to tell myself that that is a big dream.
it will be wiser,
to get a job first,
and get financially stabilized.

do you think its possible?
that i could ever stand on a stage and sing.
and that my voice could touch the hearts of many?

i really hope i do get the chance.
and this time if there is a singing competition im aware of,
im not backing off.

im going for it.

one of my greatest dreams would be to sing one day,
to many people.
and having my voice touch their hearts and making them feeel like home.

i will be working hard to find ways to make things work out.
and until then,
i think i should get back to finding a job first.
a job that can pay for my house bills,
and daily necessary expenses.

i used to have only 2 dreams.
one is to go to every single disneyland on earth.
and the other is to find my partner.

now i have two more.
i wish to be a singer that can touch the hearts of people.
and i wish to see the beautiful and wonders of the world outside.
outside where the ocean, trees, grass patches, skies are abundant and beautiful.
where all the things go slower,
and more peaceful.

i reckon theres not one person whom i can talk to about all these,
who will really understand me,
so i thought i should talk to myself.
here. (:

im going off now.
and till next time (:

with love xxxx

Y2:02 AM