i feeel very tired actually. more of the mentally part.
i dun know... i mean im not very unfortunate i know. but just let me self pity myself in this blogpost here. so that i might feeeel better.
maybe im tired from work. all the endless work that i have on my table. its been a year plus now, that im there in this company since my internship. and so many things happened.
IA, till being a temp and den convert to permanent and taking over the full role.
the invoices are crazy. the issues are like a swamp. i just cant get to an end of it. and it all just adds on every single day.
people can do it. why cant i?
is it because im lousy? or i just happen to meet the person that is just that good.? i hate to admit it, and as much as i tried to do them all,
i just cant do it.
the amount is too much. and im just too slow or something ):
tomorrow im returning to that table, same route to work. same office. same computer. same files. same people. same canteen.
same routine.
i feeel so stuck. in this cycle. the only variation is whether there are new issues or not.
whether i will be having OT or not.
new job? what kinda job?
sell bags? sell clothes? another office admin paperwork job?
im working. cause i need the money.
if i dun work. i die. my family suffer. ):
because this society is FUCKING controlled by money.
and it isnt fairr.
actually got kinda emotional just now back on facebook. saw two profiles. of two girls.
ive always admired about.
i think they are living their lives. to the fullest. they enjoy their lives now.
they are prettty. they are smart.
they are well liked by everybody. but they dun get bullied. they have attitude but people think they're right because its reasonable.
they are having all that they want. and they are just so similar to me. around same age. living in same singapore. went through the same childhood or sec sch.
im feeeling useless. my mum says im useless. im gonna be a bad wife and mum in the future.
i suck to the core CAUSE I DUN DO THE FREAKING HSEWORK.
so many other girls dont do their hsework. why is it that they dun get scolded at all? and i have to be said till its like im doing some big crime?
so many quarrels. so many shoutings.
no outings. no dining together. no spending time together. we dont even talk much now.... ):
i actually feel that my hse arent the place for me to rest my soul. because i cant rest.
i feeel useless and... lousy.
wasting my life.
when i compared with the girls.
they have all that they want.
and me? stuck in a vicious cycle. just diving my head in every single day. into that pile of paper at work.
and trust me. the pile is not just a easy thin pile.
maybe i grew up living in my own world. my world was created under all the shadows of the stories i read, the movies i've watched, the world i made out of.
the world where money isnt the most impt thing.
where all the people are good people.
where the love stories are love that are irreplaceable. and really heart capturing. and that its all that matters.
im only going to turn 20 this year. i feel like ive wasted my life for the past 20 years. and the things that i wanna have. does not exist.
at least it doesnt exist at all now, here in this place.
i really hope. there will be a place. that is as welcoming as the one ive always dreamt of.
someplace and with people that only i can think of, and cant explain with mere words. cause its so hard to explain...
i feeel like. i have no place to hide. from all these.
im very tired of going on and on, with no real rest.
and maybe a cry tonight will provide some comfort for myself.
Y8:24 AM
skyward
your love gives me wings.
her
simple.
loving.
cheerful.
(:
destined
to wait for the day when i will give you everything in this world.