welcome to chewyan's world(:

Thursday, January 27, 2011

27Jan'2011
8.42pm

im sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired.
):

although ive already given my resignation letter and it has been accepted,
they are asking me to extend.
and it seems like i have to.
limited manpower. ):

so its two more months of these before i can finally break freee.
and i hope i get to see more beautiful things everyday.
instead of theseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

):

im listening to bleeeding love!
haha.
on youtube.

im not being emo.
but i just felt like listening to it.
been one of my favourites since last time.

i feeeel tired.
and unhappy.
i dun know what should i do.

am i thinking too much?
am i being too greedy?
am i but just a selfish girl as well?
):

i wish there is some way to see things clearer.
and that everything would stay pleasant, and everyone's happy.
including me.

i am so afraid i'll hurt you.
because im starting to have some weird thoughts.
which i dun even know how strong and how real they are.

i shared them with you because im not someone who can hide it from you.
i didnt know the next step except for wishing everything to be well sooon.

at least i noticed it and made it a point to think it through....

because to me,
i really think love is a big deal.

a way big deal that must not have flaws.

i maybe selfish,
or maybe i'm someone who is willing to admit and wanna be very sure that it is true.
and it is strong.
and it is gonna last.
and it is gonna make everybody happy.

i dont know where to get started.
and its just soooooooooo hard to get anything straight.
because you are so separated from me.

we are always apart.
and the coming feb16 trip to other countries on the ship for 6weeks.

its just such a big blow.
its like so unstable now.
and its like so sudden.

i dont know how am i gonna make it through...
you say im not confident enough.
true enough, i guess i am not):
and im sorrry. ):

trust me i never wanted to make things hard,
or make you disappointed,
or make you sad.
or make you sian.
or any etc.

alright?

i told you i'll be figuring things out on my own first.
i will.
but i wish i know how, and that i'll have more time to think about everything.

work,
things,
are making my life very very cramped up.
and ive just been dragging myself to continue every single day.
i cant find something or somewhere to calm myself down,
to comfort myself.

to make myself feeel better.

i'll try to though.
i'll try to. (:

Y4:29 AM

Friday, January 21, 2011

21Jan'2011
12.29am

i feeeeel pretty lost now.
i feeel that i have no goal in my life, and there are nothing im very looking forward to on tomorrow, the day after, or the coming months and years.

its 2.55am already now.
i didnt get to continue and im not gonna write now cause ive been dozing off and sleeping here with my laptop on my lap for an hour plus now.

goodnight. )))):

Y8:16 AM

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

11Jan2011
11.18pm

today is my fifth month.
our fifth month(:

but it didnt go too well.
it wasnt very happy today.

cause i was so late in the morning,
with the drizzle.
i had to take a cab.

and after a few messages with my baby dearie,
which is suppose to be a gooood thing cause he dun get such chances all the time.
butttttt!!
he told me we wont meet today already.

cause its his mum's bday.

he promised to meet me today,
so i would go home ytd night.

and he even mentioned that he wanna come pick me up from work.

i wore a top i bought with him last time.
something he would seldom see me in.
and something i would only wear when im going to work.
(that is also why he wont see it)
i purposely waited since last week to wear this top on the day that he will come and pick me. ):

and so many other things happened.
like i screwed up the yearend accrual journal and stuff.
like omission or double take in of the invoices for accruals ):

man i really hate this job.
i wanna leave ):

i wanna work something that is meaningful,
or something that i like.
but im apparently stuck.
and im obliged to do everything.
until i can get a job.
):

im on webcam now with dearie.
and msning with him.

it felt so long since it happened.
since he went to NS,
alot of things changed.

we dun have much time together anymore.
i wouldnt consider those as any reasonable amount of time that I NEED TO SEE HIM anyway.

and there are some issues that we have,
that we cant even talk about,
cause we dun have time.

now we have less than a week left together.
before its all over.
before it starts the 5 years.

of endless separations,
and lesser time to get together.

more lonely times alone,
than times spent resting in each other's arms.

as much as i hate it,
but my dearie likes it apparently.
and since he likes it,
we have both thought that he should sign the contract.

and he did.

i guess we will just have to go on and seee.
and we will have to adjust to our time to make this work out...
because...

this is gonna be hard to maintain.
):

actually i would never,
and dun think i can ever maintain or bear a relationship like this.
no time together,
having to be separated and be alone all the time.

but because seanie tan wei liang,
my dearie,
likes this.

im gonna try.
and i do hope its better than what im imagining.
):

i wish this week.
will never end.

i want to have time like this with my dearie.

i really think.
we never get to spend like much time together.
and it just makes our relationship fragile by being like this.
):

i feeel so frustrated.
i dun wanna go to work tml.
i dun wanna send my dearie away to army again.

i dun wanna live a life with no meaningful things.

))):

happy 5th month,
(you at ur house and im at mine)
haha.
(:

Y7:06 AM

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

5Jan2011
12.12am

first post of the year! (:
and yeah,
its leaving a message for dearie once again.

HEEHEE.
(:

i was browsing through my photos tagged by friends in facebook.
saw many photos.

although i very fat and ugly nowadays. -.-
hahaha.

the main point is.
when i look at those photos taken with you,
seanie tan wei liang(:

i feel that i felt happy. (:
hees.

and dearieeee.
im going to bed with a frown tonight again ):
because i think you have some misunderstanding with me on the messaging part.
):

its not that im nt free to reply you dearie):

but i think you didnt have the time to stay and read on what my reply is...
so i couldnt explain.

thinking of the way you may feeeel when you go to sleep,
such as disappointment, annoyed and many more,
makes me not happy too ):

gonna post some photos(:
and now playing: 下一站幸福 - 突然想爱你 (:

Y8:00 AM