i find it so pathetic that i have to console myself whenever i feel sad. still.
all i ever wanted is for someone who really cares alot about me, who really thinks im very very impt, and someone to be there for me. someone who will let me hide in his arms willingly and lovingly when im scared, or tired. or when i feel lousy.
that was what ive always been asking for.
and its still the same.
maybe my beliefs do not really exist. maybe i m meant to, and cant deserve what the other girls have.
because im different and is unable to get the same, behave the same, treated the same.
Wednesday, May 04, 2011
this is one song that i've just heard today and has made me so touched i cried. this is what i mean when i said it touches people's heart. and i'll be waiting still. till a love story that is to die for hold my hand and bring me in. (:
thank you shane filan. (:
hey people. (: its been awhile now.
and now i've made one move to stop myself from feeling cramped and upset, i quitted my last job which made me felt like getting out of it is my last wish. (:
and now im seeking a new job. a job that i hope is not related to accounts. i think i got a pretty bad scare from my previous job. the pressure it acts on me is that strong that i think i am really not suitable for it.
and so the next question is. what job should i get?
i've been trying to get some customer service related jobs through the internet, but because i have constraints from all sectors, its pretty hard to get a job that can satisfy at least most of them.
theres the constraint of a minimum pay i should get, cause im a single child and my parents are getting on old. and theres the constraint of getting a job that is weekend off, because thats the only time i have with my boyfriend.
theres further constraints that i dont wish to work shifts in time. because that would mean it will rotate every week or month, and i wouldnt be able to pick up lessons of interests i have in.
ive been thinking i wanna get lessons on dancing, singing, piano, languages.
all the general things that im interested in.
but all these wouldnt be able to come true until i get a job and has a pay that can afford these lessons.
ive been thinking, i really wanna break through this. this wall that ive grown up in. this specific cycle of things i have to do. this specific rules and regulations i need to follow.
which apparently i dun really like em.
all these has been set, in the society. and by my environment and situation.
its a fact that i have to earn money to feed my family and myself. its a fact that i cannot go on without a job now. its a fact that in order to break free, i need to find out how.
i want to break out from this current situation. i dont want to grow old and die living in JUST this cycle. the cycle of just working every single day, and buying things that the house need, or i want, paying off the bills, eating, occasional meetups with friends, and still working to feed the family after marriage, and work somemore for the kids' food and studies.
i want something extraordinary. i want my life to have some meaning. some adventure. some love story that i can die for.
ive always liked singing. and i really wished i could have a stage to sing for people, and in turn make them touched. just like my favourite male singer,
shane filan from westlife.
his voice moved me and their songs, made me believed in things, like i should still wait till the day i meet love.
their songs and his voice kept me going when i felt that i didnt have any hope for this life of mine. i still do sometimes.
theres many things that i wanna do. theres many things i want to get. but i dont know where to start. i dont know if its really gonna work. i dont know if its really gonna happen.
yes i want to be a singer, but there are much more people out there who just wishes the same as me. i dont have a very hot figure. which i will really have to work it out (thats one thing i wanna do)
and plus, i dont know where to start to make my way through to acknowledgement. to achieving that place on stage, and really letting people like my songs and find belonging in my voice.
so when i come back to reality, i have to tell myself that that is a big dream. it will be wiser, to get a job first, and get financially stabilized.
do you think its possible? that i could ever stand on a stage and sing. and that my voice could touch the hearts of many?
i really hope i do get the chance. and this time if there is a singing competition im aware of, im not backing off.
im going for it.
one of my greatest dreams would be to sing one day, to many people. and having my voice touch their hearts and making them feeel like home.
i will be working hard to find ways to make things work out. and until then, i think i should get back to finding a job first. a job that can pay for my house bills, and daily necessary expenses.
i used to have only 2 dreams. one is to go to every single disneyland on earth. and the other is to find my partner.
now i have two more. i wish to be a singer that can touch the hearts of people. and i wish to see the beautiful and wonders of the world outside. outside where the ocean, trees, grass patches, skies are abundant and beautiful. where all the things go slower, and more peaceful.
i reckon theres not one person whom i can talk to about all these, who will really understand me, so i thought i should talk to myself. here. (:
im going off now. and till next time (:
with love xxxx
Monday, April 18, 2011
black colour is soooo ugly. but this stupid blog doesnt allow me to have spacing in my posts. they go jumble and all cramped up with no spacing for my whole post just now): eventually i gave up the colour part in order to keeep the spacings. ):
okay now, got to go sleeeep. goodnight!
i know i failed to sleep within 15mins. ):
stupid blog's fault. not i did on purpose! :x
and haix. even if i wanted to stay in contact for a LITTLE while longer also cannot ): cause ur gone. by the time i reply. ):
okay ive only got 15mins to update here hahaha. im sick and im suppose to be in bed by 15 mins. HEHEHE. as promised to someone :p
okay wow i really never update for very long already! that time i was still stuck in the stupid miserable place. :x
now~ ive left it for awhile now, and ive even went on a trip to taiwan with mummmy! (: and im back already with all the little things for me to remember taiwan with. and lots of pictures!
due to lack of time i dun think im going to upload any photos today hahaha. actually my main purpose of coming to blog today isnt because i want to update recent things or anything like that.
i just think i need some place to let my inner feelings out. like to complain. like to just say out how i feeel.
i hate the separation. i hate having to console myself at so many times that everything's gonna be okay. i hate having to imagine things and you all the time. i hate the word 'lights out'.
i hate hearing 'the number you have dialed is currently unavailable, please try again later.' and let me repeat, i hate that lady's voice when i call you. ):
haha. im starting to get used to it. since nov11 last year, we started to get separated. but its not like we did spend alot of time together before that. we had little time too.
and now, its apr18 now.. so many months have past. and so many things have taken place. we even went through the MSTD period. 6 weeks.
and these whole period of time. ive already been hurt. by many things. ):
my love has always come, without considering about myself. i will give everything because its you. because i think i wanna be nice to you.
but when i think of myself sometimes, i feeeel that im actually quite upset. in actual fact, im not happy.
but its funny how love comes to me. cause the feeeling of me wanting to give and believing that being nice is the only thing i should care about and do....,
it always make me forget here and then that im not happy on my side.
hahaha. yeah. amazing huh. i think it is, cause i dun think alot of people does this anymore.
because this is like putting people before self already. not trying to boast or anything, but i guess thats one of the best things i can give to my partner. unconditional love.
however im human too, so yeah. it happens when my heart raise a riot inside me and tell me 'what about yourself?' i still am trying to believe the love stories i've grown up watching and believing in, and looking forward to. i hope my belief wont die.
because thats one of the beautiful things i still believe in. and thats what im giving. i'll be very heartbroken if i realise its NOT possible for it to happen to me. or that its NOT gonna happen to me.
i hope not. ): okay so lastly, im just trying to get a job i'll be happy with currently. resting while looking.
and im gonna go sleep, hoping i can breathe through my nose again sooon. haha.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
im sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired. ):
although ive already given my resignation letter and it has been accepted, they are asking me to extend. and it seems like i have to. limited manpower. ):
so its two more months of these before i can finally break freee. and i hope i get to see more beautiful things everyday. instead of theseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
im listening to bleeeding love! haha. on youtube.
im not being emo. but i just felt like listening to it. been one of my favourites since last time.
i feeeel tired. and unhappy. i dun know what should i do.
am i thinking too much? am i being too greedy? am i but just a selfish girl as well? ):
i wish there is some way to see things clearer. and that everything would stay pleasant, and everyone's happy. including me.
i am so afraid i'll hurt you. because im starting to have some weird thoughts. which i dun even know how strong and how real they are.
i shared them with you because im not someone who can hide it from you. i didnt know the next step except for wishing everything to be well sooon.
at least i noticed it and made it a point to think it through....
because to me, i really think love is a big deal.
a way big deal that must not have flaws.
i maybe selfish, or maybe i'm someone who is willing to admit and wanna be very sure that it is true. and it is strong. and it is gonna last. and it is gonna make everybody happy.
i dont know where to get started. and its just soooooooooo hard to get anything straight. because you are so separated from me.
we are always apart. and the coming feb16 trip to other countries on the ship for 6weeks.
its just such a big blow. its like so unstable now. and its like so sudden.
i dont know how am i gonna make it through... you say im not confident enough. true enough, i guess i am not): and im sorrry. ):
trust me i never wanted to make things hard, or make you disappointed, or make you sad. or make you sian. or any etc.
i told you i'll be figuring things out on my own first. i will. but i wish i know how, and that i'll have more time to think about everything.
work, things, are making my life very very cramped up. and ive just been dragging myself to continue every single day. i cant find something or somewhere to calm myself down, to comfort myself.
to make myself feeel better.
i'll try to though. i'll try to. (:
Friday, January 21, 2011
i feeeeel pretty lost now. i feeel that i have no goal in my life, and there are nothing im very looking forward to on tomorrow, the day after, or the coming months and years.
its 2.55am already now. i didnt get to continue and im not gonna write now cause ive been dozing off and sleeping here with my laptop on my lap for an hour plus now.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
today is my fifth month. our fifth month(:
but it didnt go too well. it wasnt very happy today.
cause i was so late in the morning, with the drizzle. i had to take a cab.
and after a few messages with my baby dearie, which is suppose to be a gooood thing cause he dun get such chances all the time. butttttt!! he told me we wont meet today already.
cause its his mum's bday.
he promised to meet me today, so i would go home ytd night.
and he even mentioned that he wanna come pick me up from work.
i wore a top i bought with him last time. something he would seldom see me in. and something i would only wear when im going to work. (that is also why he wont see it) i purposely waited since last week to wear this top on the day that he will come and pick me. ):
and so many other things happened. like i screwed up the yearend accrual journal and stuff. like omission or double take in of the invoices for accruals ):
man i really hate this job. i wanna leave ):
i wanna work something that is meaningful, or something that i like. but im apparently stuck. and im obliged to do everything. until i can get a job. ):
im on webcam now with dearie. and msning with him.
it felt so long since it happened. since he went to NS, alot of things changed.
we dun have much time together anymore. i wouldnt consider those as any reasonable amount of time that I NEED TO SEE HIM anyway.
and there are some issues that we have, that we cant even talk about, cause we dun have time.
now we have less than a week left together. before its all over. before it starts the 5 years.
of endless separations, and lesser time to get together.
more lonely times alone, than times spent resting in each other's arms.
as much as i hate it, but my dearie likes it apparently. and since he likes it, we have both thought that he should sign the contract.
and he did.
i guess we will just have to go on and seee. and we will have to adjust to our time to make this work out... because...
this is gonna be hard to maintain. ):
actually i would never, and dun think i can ever maintain or bear a relationship like this. no time together, having to be separated and be alone all the time.
but because seanie tan wei liang, my dearie, likes this.
im gonna try. and i do hope its better than what im imagining. ):
i wish this week. will never end.
i want to have time like this with my dearie.
i really think. we never get to spend like much time together. and it just makes our relationship fragile by being like this. ):
i feeel so frustrated. i dun wanna go to work tml. i dun wanna send my dearie away to army again.
i dun wanna live a life with no meaningful things.
happy 5th month, (you at ur house and im at mine) haha. (:
Wednesday, January 05, 2011
first post of the year! (: and yeah, its leaving a message for dearie once again.
i was browsing through my photos tagged by friends in facebook. saw many photos.
although i very fat and ugly nowadays. -.- hahaha.
the main point is. when i look at those photos taken with you, seanie tan wei liang(:
i feel that i felt happy. (: hees.
and dearieeee. im going to bed with a frown tonight again ): because i think you have some misunderstanding with me on the messaging part. ):
its not that im nt free to reply you dearie):
but i think you didnt have the time to stay and read on what my reply is... so i couldnt explain.
thinking of the way you may feeeel when you go to sleep, such as disappointment, annoyed and many more, makes me not happy too ):
gonna post some photos(: and now playing: 下一站幸福 - 突然想爱你 (:
your love gives me wings.
to wait for the day when i will give you everything in this world.